Near Misses…

God, I really needed to see you this weekend.

I needed to talk to you. Needed to. About anything at all. And about one or two specific things (not even… things we could absolutely talk about in front of others, though not in front of the younger ones…). Just… I need to talk to you, and this would have been… an amazing weekend to do so. Even without overstepping. Even without taking advantage of why for anything beyond just… chatting.

I squandered one opportunity, I know. I wasn't ready. Yes, I was out there hoping to see you, talk to you, but… it'd been so long. We don't see each other in that configuration this time of year, not usually. So I was unprepared.

But then I saw you.

Well, I saw you, and for a few moments… my brain shut off. I can never tell if you're specifically trying to woo me, or if you're simply justifiably proud… but… either way…

Well, my favorite thing in the world is talking to you, but good lord, beholding you comes in a very, very close second…

And if I ever get to touch you… god. If I ever get to touch you… 🚀💥

Anyways.

I was ready by the time you came around again, but… you had also picked up a walking partner. I wonder… did you know? Did you somehow know I was ready for you, and kinda wished the timing hadn't worked out that way? The way you kept looking my way, even as you guys had already passed me by…

Was a time I would have worried you were looking at me because I was creeping you out. But that was before… “As you wish”… before “have a beer with me”… before “looooooots of alcohol”…

So, yesterday didn't work out. sigh I know. It can't always.

So, today, I tried. I tried so damned hard. I needed it to happen, so bad. I even took myself out of my own comfort zone with a long shot… it didn't work out, which wasn't surprising. And I take a lot of comfort in your response. I feel like you were acknowledging it. I think… I hope you were saying “I see your attempt, I appreciate it, I wish it had worked out, too…” That's what I'm telling myself, at any rate. But I think I'm right. So I'm glad of that, at least. I'm glad I finally came up with a way to try to show you I want to spend time with you (well… I suppose I've done that a few times in the past week, haven't I? I hope I'm getting better at it… and one of them is even going to work out… just… gotta wait months and months and months! But then, when it finally comes… aaaah, wish it were tomorrow…).

So all told, I'm glad. I think some good things happened this weekend. But, god…

I really just needed to talk to you. And I can't know why it never worked out… if we just kept missing each other, or if you had a busy day, or… whatever. But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed… I spent so much time out front. Walked the dog so many laps. And I guess… well, I guess it just wasn't meant to be today. I'm trying to accept that. I'm trying to see the good things that did happen. I'm trying to think of those pants you were wearing yesterday… (oh, who am I kidding? I'm going to be thinking of those pants for weeeeeeeks whether I want to or not… good god woman… perfect, simply perfection…).

But the disappointment that we didn't get to talk is eating away at me… a lot. Trying not to let it, but… well. You probably know why. Again… not because I would want to… take advantage of the situation, but… it's so very, very rare for me to not have to worry about… that one aspect of things. And I didn't have to worry about it this weekend.

Oh well. It'll happen. I suspect you're as anxious for a talk as I am. Perhaps Tuesday? Which, god, I've just realized has the potential to be wickedly complicated, for both of our families. Well. Maybe solving that will give us an excuse to talk? We'll see. 🤞

I love you.